Trigger Warning: This post talks about infant loss and includes photos of our baby’s grave. Please read no further if it would be too traumatic for you to do so.
One of the most difficult circumstances I have encountered thus far on our journey to moving our family 1100 miles from the only home we have ever known came the moment I realized that we would be leaving our baby behind. You see, 8 years ago yesterday, we lost our baby, Alida Rae. Her name means “little winged one, living in freedom.”
That day, 8 years ago, was one of the hardest days of my life. Yesterday ranked right up there as well. Every year on the anniversary of her death, we go to visit Alida’s grave marker. Yesterday, as I realized this would be the last time I would get to do this, I could not help but feel as though I was somehow betraying her by leaving her behind.
I know it seems silly. I know I have the hope of Christ that I will someday meet my baby face-t0-face. It hit me hard nonetheless. Turning and walking away when every ounce of me wanted to just lay down there beside her and never leave was devastating to say the least. In the 8 years since her loss, it never gets any easier and yesterday was particularly difficult.
In the aftermath of my miscarriage lots of well-meaning people had lots of well-meaning advice to give. Let’s face it, though. Death is uncomfortable. Rare is the person who knows what to do or say under such circumstances.
Here, I have compiled a list of things you should NEVER say, all of which have been said to me at one time or another.
10. This must have been God’s will.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be presumptuous in thinking I know what God is up to, but my mind refuses to allow me to believe that God willed for my baby to die. In fact, I believe the opposite-that God willed my baby to live and I treasure every moment I had to be her mother.
9. There was probably something wrong with your baby.
This was said to me within five minutes of finding out our baby had died. It took every ounce of my strength to not want to jump across the table and smack the person who said this to me. I did NOT care one iota, nor would it have been a comfort to me if I knew something was wrong. I believe every child is a blessing and a gift, no matter what package they come in. This was MY CHILD. And every mama knows that her children are perfect!
8. You can always have other children.
Maybe. Maybe not. You don’t know this for sure so please don’t ever say this. I have several friends who have been through multiple losses and a remark like this can be incredibly insensitive. And even if it is true, as it was in our case, at the time of our grief, the only child we long for is the one that is gone. We weren’t looking for a replacement.
7. Was this child planned?
Who cares? First of all, this is a question you should NEVER ask, period. It is no one’s business. If the child was not planned, does that make this death any less tragic? For the record, our baby was most definitely planned and wanted, but it would not have made a difference to us had she not been.
6. I understand.
No you don’t. Even if you’ve experienced a loss yourself, you don’t understand. You are not in my shoes. You do not know my history and my doubts and my fears. Just because you went through your own experience does not mean ours was the same.
5. You’ll be fine. This happens to lots of women.
Actually, no, I will not be fine. I will NEVER be the same.
4. At least it happened early on and you didn’t have to go through labor.
Really? Really.
3. It could have been worse. You could have lost a living child.
When you are in the middle of grief, nothing seems like it could be worse. This WAS my worse. And while I’m sure there is always someone in the world who is worse off than I am, this is MY reality. There is nothing worse.
2. Share your own horror story of loss and death
When someone is grieving, please do not compare their situation to yours. Don’t make it about you. And please, please, please, NEVER compare the loss of your pet to the loss of a mother’s child. (You think I am kidding, but I’m really not. You would not believe some of the things people would say.)
1. Get over it.
Gee whiz, it’s been 8 years already, don’t you think it’s time to move on? Maybe so, only you don’t have the right to tell me to do so. No one can tell another person how to grieve. We had a memorial service for our baby and lots of people thought that kind of weird, but it was something both my husband and I needed to do. Now, 8 years later, many people are surprised that we still grieve. We will never just “get over it”. It has become a part of our identity as a family.
Okay, okay, so reading back over that list makes me sound like a bitter, ungrateful woman and I’m not.
No, really. I’m not.
I am SO thankful for the people who were there for us during this time in our lives-even the ones who didn’t know what to say or who said the wrong thing. It was pure hell. And I know people have good intentions and I am thankful for that as well. My goal here is to just raise awareness and show people how their words can cause harm, even if they are unintentional.
On the other hand, there are lots of things you CAN do and say for a grieving mother. I will share some of the things that were most helpful to us in next week’s Top Ten Tuesday post.
I am linking up this post over at Many Little Blessings for Top Ten Tuesday.
Have you ever experienced loss? Did you get any of these comments? Do you have anything to add to my list of things that should NEVER be said to a grieving mother?
The Chick
I was 7 months pregnant with our second child (after 2 losses) when I asked a “friend” if they were going to have anymore. They had 2 healthy boys (no losses) and I thought this was an innocent enough question. Boy, was I wrong! She told me very disdainfully,”No, my first 2 children lived.” I had absolutely no reply to that…..
Kathy-my jaw just hit the floor! How terribly insensitive and hurtful. I have a friend who has had a couple of miscarriages and with her last (full-term, healthy baby) someone said to her during her pregnancy, “I’m surprised you haven’t lost that one yet.” I think people just don’t think about the impact of their words.
oh sweetie,
i wish you strength and love !
Your loss made me cry
Hugs Jacquie
Thank you!
Sometimes a simple “I’m sorry” or a hug is all that is needed. Thanks for this post!
Exactly, Amy! Sometimes I think people make it more complicated than it has to be because they honestly just don’t know what to do or say.
Thank you for this post…. I can tell your heart is still broken. Praying for you today…
Thank you.
Thank you! Some of these things were said to me as well. God Bless You!
I’m so sorry for your loss Diana. Blessings to you, my friend!
no way, people actually said these comments to you? how awful. prayers are with you and your family…and thank you for sharing such raw emotions.
Thank you Marissa!
I was asked several times by my MIL “Was she mentally retarded?” because my daughter was put into NICU right after birth. She then went on to remind me how “no one in my family has any physical handicaps or problems” as if to say it was my fault my baby was sick. I’m not kidding!! Another person once told me how I should be thankful that I never got to take my baby home because it would have been much harder for me to adjust not having her at home. People just don’t think at all about what they’re saying.
It’s been 24 years for me since I had to say goodbye to my angel. Take it from me, you never get over it; you function and continue with your life but you can never get over it. She was a part of you and always will be. How can you get over that?
Oh, Laryssa, I am so sorry. How awful that must have been for you. Yes, I too had several people say things or ask things about what I could have done wrong. Just what a grieving mother wants to hear-that it IS her fault! I’m so sorry you had to experience that.
wow, some people.. how awful!Thank you for sharing this post.. My thoughts are with you and your family..
-Samantha
KreativeKaring.com
Thank you Samantha!
My husband and I were selected to adopt an infant a few years ago. We followed the mom’s progress through the last 3 months of pregnancy, we were so excited!! We had prepared the nursery and my family had given us a surprise baby shower. We received the call and showed up at the hospital to pick up our baby boy. Shortly after we arrived at the hospital we were told the mother changed her mind.(we always knew this was a possibilty and we weren’t angry with her) While the pain isn’t the same it was a very difficult time for us and we heard almost all of those same comments. It is still a very painful and emotional memory.
Oh my goodness, I can’t even imagine! It certainly is a loss and I am sure you were/are heartbroken. I am so sorry.
I have not lost a child because my husband and I are not at that point in our lives yet, (although will be soon), but I have lost my brother and under the most sudden and tragic of circumstances. When planning our wedding after he passed I told people that I didn’t want a traditional wedding because it would hurt too much not having him there. He was so excited for our wedding. So we decided to go away and have a small wedding. My friends told me to just postpone it, they didn’t understand that I would still miss him being at my wedding just as much a year later as I did then. My SIL said to my husband “It will have been a year and a half by then, won’t she be over it?” Thank the Lord that she did not say that to my face, I’m not sure what I would have done. I appreciated the way people at work handled it, they saw me for the first time since I came back, gave me a big hug, and it was on with the day. Some asked questions but were fine when I couldn’t answer at times. People just don’t think sometimes.
Gilly-I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I am sure that was very traumatic and that’s certainly not something you will “get over”-how very sad that people were so insensitive to what you were going through. I am glad you did have some people there you could lean on-support is so important during a tradgedy like that.
It most certainly is. It’s very strange that during your toughest times you realize all the people that are willing to do what ever you need them to. I am sorry for your loss also and sorry that you have to leave. My brother was cremated so most of his ashes stayed 4,000 miles away but we brought some with us and buried them here, thank God for that. It’s strange how we see a piece of stone as actually “visiting” them but if it works for our greiving process…who is anyone to judge? Hugs and love!
So true Gilly! You really realize who your true friends are during those times. I’m so glad you were able to keep some of your brother’s ashes. It may seem strange to those who don’t understand, but those physical, tangible things that remind us of those we lost can bring such incredible comfort.
When Job went through all of his terrible losses and trials, his three friends came and for seven days didn’t say a thing. They just sat with him. I think sometimes we need to be like that, not saying anything but just letting the grieving person know that you are there and that you love them. I have been through two miscarriages myself and even though my babies were too small to see, those were the two hardest, saddest times of my life. Big hugs to you, Lisa.
Exactly, Lisa. We don’t have to make it complicated. The people who were most comforting to us during that time did NOTHING. They were just there. They held our hands, they were there for my surgery, they cried with us and grieved with us and never said a word. I am so sorry for your own losses, Lisa. Blessings to you!
One of the single biggest things I learned from working as a pediatric ICU nurse for years is the ability to simply say “I’m so sorry” in the face of death and to know that it was ok to let people feel the hurt they felt without having to try and make it all better for them. We’ve had three deaths in our world as of late and it has provided the opportunity to teach my girls what I’ve learned- that sometimes the best way to help someone feel better in the face of a death is less about looking for the perfect thing to say or do and more about just being with them and reminding them that they loved.
Wendy-I can NOT even beging to imagine the kind of tradgedy you witnessed when you were working as a nurse. That had to be so utterly heartbreaking. I’m very sorry for your losses but glad that you are using life’s teachable moments to raise sensitive and caring daughters-they are SO special!
I sat here and cried for you as I read your post for today. My first-born, a daughter, lived only 10 days and died of heart failure — she was born with Trisomy 18.
One of the best things my girlfriend did for me while I was in the first stages of grieving was just sit there while I cried and held my hand. She had no advice, no words of how to heal the hurt, and she told me bluntly so — that she had no idea what to say or do but that she would sit there and cry with me and be by my side as long as I needed that day. That meant more to me than anything.
Hugs going to you!
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m so thankful for you that you had such awesome support from your friend-we did as well, despite all of the negative things we heard-and it made all the difference in the world to us.
We lost our tenth child January 7 of this year. Along with the comments you listed, we heard, “Maybe this is God’s way of telling you it’s time to stop.” I thought, “Really? God would kill a baby in order to say we should stop trusting Him eith our family size? What kind of God do you serve?”
Oh Niki, I am SO sorry! See, stuff like that really makes my blood boil. I have heard lots of those comments concerning the Duggar family and it just makes me so upset. Why would anyone ever think that is okay? I have had people make comments about our family size as well-really horrible, hateful comments-and I challenge them to look at my children and tell me which of them should not have been born. It’s awful, this metality and the entitlement people feel to judge so harshly personal family decisions that are really no one’s business. What people don’t get when they say things like that, is that in my mind, I will NEVER have the right number of children. I am a mother of five, not four, and for people to suggest such a thing is just horribly rude and insensitive. I am so sorry for your loss Niki, and I pray that God once again blesses you with another child to love. We have made it very clear to people that we are not done having children, if God allows any say in the matter, and we still get criticized for it. I will never understand it.
We lost our daughter at 23 weeks and 4 days in October 2007 LilyAnna would have been my husbands 2nd biological child and my 6th baby. (She was my one and only loss) and I had to have a partial hysterectomy I heard two things that kinda always got to me. 1 was you already have 5 other children. (Yes I did have 5 other children the my last healthy baby was born 6 months before LilyAnna was I loved that I would have had 3 boys and 3 girls at home BUT this was my husbands second biological child though he loves all my/our children) and the second which to this day upsets me is EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. ( I call B.S. I am still waiting for the reason if that is the case.) Thank you for this posting today. Have a wonderful day today!!!
Brenda-I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. What a beautiful name! Yes, that was another thing I heard quite frequently, and while I can see God’s hand very evidently during ur time of loss, I still can’t answer that WHY question, nor would I want to, even if I could. I refuse to believe that God DID this to us-even though I believe in His soveriegnty, I don’t believe He caused it. Does that make sense? There is no reason under the sun that will satisfy a grieving mother’s soul.
It amazes me how insensitive folks can be about miscarriage and infant death. I heard them all, and each one stung deep. I was even told I should stop trying altogether after three losses (1 etopic and 2 miscarriages, one in the second trimester). I refused to give-up hope, or give in to the negativity.
One thing I learned from it all is that “I’m sorry” is the very BEST words to come out of everyones mouth. I used to think it was just as insensitive, but it felt much better than hearing what others thought. It’s been 8 years since my last miscarriage, but I remember the date, as well as the others.
I wasn’t able to have funerals, nor did I name the lost children (and I’m sure my family would of had me committed), but I held a private memorial for each child.
I’m sorry for your loss and I can’t begin to think of what your family has been through as you’re 100% correct about each of our experiences being different. The only common factor is that we all lost something we love, and would of cherished for eternity.
I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I’m glad to hear that you didn’t give up hope or give in to the negativity. You are right, sometimes a simple “I’m sorry” is the only thing to say.
I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, have been permanently changed by the loss of a baby, and heard many of these same things. I make a point to now talk to the extended family of anyone I know who suffers through this pain to make sure they know a bit of the reality of the loss. So many who have no experience with the loss of a baby don’t understand that it is a REAL loss with REAL grief. I join you in looking forward to that day in Heaven when I will get to finally meet my child!
Sonja-I am so sorry that you know the pain of losing a child. How very sensitive and wise of you to counsel the family members of those grieving as they often can’t/don’t understand. I am quite sure that God is using you in the lives of other grieving mothers. Bless you!
I am sorry for your loss. I have often wondered if it is by going through these losses that I have learned true empathy for others in a very personal way. Although no one has gone through the pain or situation that I have, I know that Jesus suffered and felt my pain and grief. He above all others understands. It is through Him that I can function daily and have peace that I will be reunited with my child again.
I am often comforted by the thought that when I grieve, so does Jesus Himself. This is not the way life was supposed to be lived and I am quite sure He was heartbrken as well. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think the kindest thing to say, “I love you. I am so sorry for you loss and at a time like this, words fail me.”
That was the kindest thing I heard when I had my 2nd miscarriage.
Hugs to all of you who have children waiting on you in heaven.
Nancy
Exactly Nancy, and I am so sorry to hear of your losses as well. Bless you, dear one!
I”m so sorry – to all you ladies who have lost. I have had 2 miscarriages between baby #2 and #3.They might not have been planned by us, but they were by God. I couldn’t look at another pregnant woman without thinking. I’d be so many weeks by now
There are different strains of feeling sympathy/empathy but no two losses are ever the same.
My SIL got pregant (in 2010) with #2 nearly 3 years after having her first. She miscarried at 9 weeks. She was so devastated that all she could do was cry and all I could do was hug her and cry with her. When she began to loose baby I suggested to her hubby that they should keep that very very tiny little loved baby that was passed and bury him/her under a beautiful cherry blossom tree out at church.
It was such a great thing for them to do. They have somewhere they can go to remember baby and they know that they’ll get to meet one day.
She is pregnant again and 18 weeks along and going really well. It was very exciting and scary for those first 9-12 weeks but just having people who were able to pray was good.
Sometimes all you really need to do is hold someone. No words need to be spoken. They’ll understand.
Bless all you mums, may you always have people around you who just ‘get it’ when it comes to loss and don’t make fools of themselves by saying something stupid xxx
Blessings to you Ruth! Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am so sorry for your loss as well and so thankful that God has indeed richly blessed your family. I will pray for your sister-in-law an that she continues to have a healthy pregnancy! I know that fear. Bless you, my friend!
ignoring someone’s loss and pain is also very hurtful. I’m sorry for your loss <3
So true Jerilyn! We had many people who didn’t know what to say so they just avoided us altogether-that probably hurt worse than those insensitive remarks.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I can’t imagine the pain that will come with moving away. It made my heart ache just thinking about that. Do you have family that will still be living in the area that can stop and visit her? I know it’s not the same, but maybe it could help to lessen that feeling that you’re abandoning her.
Angie-My sister in in Indianapolis-I hadn’t thought of that. Thank you for suggesting it.
When I was pregnant with my youngest son, I started bleeding badly, I thought for sure that I had lost him. I didn’t but the two hours between when I started bleeding and when the ultra sound said he was ok, still affect me now, and he is almost 3 years old. For the next month or so we had quit a few of these nightmarish days, and during one of them a neighbor came to me, while I was laying in bed rest and asked me if I ever thought it might be better if I lost him, since me and my now husband were not married yet. My Mom asked her to leave, as politely as she possibly could. I don’t think you are leaving Alida behind she is with God who is omnipresent.
Oh, Leah, what an awful thing to say. I experienced a really large subchorionic hematoma with my most recent child and bled the entire first trimester, sometimes passing clots as large as my fist. It was so frightening and he wasn’t given much chance according to the doctors. He defied those odds and will be 2 next month! Praise God for your sweet, healthy babe!
[...] Last week I shared about the anniversary of our baby’s death and how we remembered her this year. It was a hard day, but it was good too. If I am honest, I have to admit that though it has been 8 years, I am still healing. I don’t think it is anything that I will ever just “get over”. I think about my baby quite often and wonder what she would look like (probably like my other four children who are basically quadruplets ), what she would sound like, what her favorite foods would be. [...]
[...] Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Mother (fatchickfedup.com) [...]
[...] Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Mother (fatchickfedup.com) [...]
4 years ago i lost my dearest son Anthony of 6 months old,and 8 months ago have lost my dearest god daughter Isabella Nicole of 3,5 months old… My heart goes out to every mother on Earth who has lost there loved ones. The life never ever will be same again,every moment of rest of my life ill be thinking of my babies……Thank you so much for sharing you feelings. You are so rite there is no such a think like to “get over”, I thing people are disrespectful to parents and the baby saying that….
I am so sorry to hear of your losses. My heart breaks for you. Thank you so much for sharing.
[...] tested! We have not had an easy marriage and we have been through some rough times together and some horrible circumstances-but I have never felt more stretched in my faith that I have during this entire process. I feel [...]
First let me say I was fortunate to give birth to two healthy boys so I have never walked in your shoes. I do however have friends that have and it is devastating to lose a child at any time. My mother died 7 years ago and I still think of her often. I could not begin to expect someone to “get over” the loss of a child. You just never get over a loss, you get through it but you never forget. Thank you for reminding well meaning people that the things we say can hurt so deep.
Our 8 year old daughter was hit and killed by a car 13 years ago and I still remember some of the insane things people said but the one in your article that I heard more than once and drove me crazy was the comparison to the loss off someone’s pet (who was like their child). I wanted to scream and pull out my own hair every time I heard it. I can’t believe this is really something people say. Still just amazes me.