Confession time: I really am afraid of writing these posts. After last week’s negative feedback I feel like maybe they should come with a disclaimer. Yes, I AM, unapologetically and unashamedly (is that even a word?), a Christian.
It does not take a person very long reading my blog to figure it out. It’s on my About page, it’s in my posts, it’s in the introduction to this series where I said unequivocally what these posts were going to be all about.
Still, there is something seriously wrong with me. I think we’ve long since established that fact.
You see, part of the reason why I write these posts is because FOR YEARS I have struggled with believing all the lies that I’ve heard. I’m worthless. I’m a nobody. I’m fat, ugly and stupid. I’m a failure. Yes, I’ve heard all of these and more. I have believed the negative much more readily than I have believed the positive. There have been some positives as well-I’ve just never let those things in through that negative filter.
So, when I am faced with negativity once again I tend to internalize it. I ruminate over it. I vacillate between indignation, sadness and feeling hurt, and questioning what in the world am I doing on this blog? Why am I bothering to share these intensely personal and private things with the “world”? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that or I shouldn’t have done that. Maybe that one little bit of negativity is true and maybe THAT is who I am. I mean, who am I kidding? I am about the most messed up person I know! Who do I think I am thinking that sharing these things is something valuable and important?
I’m a nobody.
And then I read the encouragement. I read about how what I share on this blog helps other people. I hear that I am not alone. I see that for every ounce of negativity that people direct towards me, there is 1o times as much love, support and positivity.
You see, I’m really a very selfish person. I don’t write these posts for you. I write them for me. I write them because they are an absolutely vital part of my journey. I write them because I NEED to write them. I write them because this is who I am.
Along the way, if I write something that strikes a chord with someone, I am so blessed. I am so blessed by those who choose to reach out to me and share their own story with me. I am blessed by those who reach out to me and offer me encouragement and prayers. I am blessed by a community of people who let me know that they support what I am doing and that encourage me to keep going.
THAT is who I am now. I am NOT the lie. The whole point of these posts is to show how I have moved from the person who believed the lies to the person who believes the truth. The whole point of these posts is to be intentionally vulnerable about my journey to physical and mental health and wholeness. Without a doubt, my faith has played a major part in this process.
That’s not to say that I have arrived or that I am completely healed. I mean, HELLO??? I WEIGH 293 POUNDS!!!!!!! Obviously, there is a lot of healing left to do. I’m not a psychologist, a pastor, a dietician or a personal trainer. I have no expertise to be telling anyone how to do this weight-loss thing. All I have to give is me-where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going.
This is who I am and I will NEVER apologize for that. If I lose readers for being myself and sharing my heart then I know I am doing something right. Because what I share here is not pretty. It’s not comfortable. It’s not easy.
It’s hard. It’s ugly. It’s nasty and vicious. It has been killing me for so long.
But it’s also real.
And I made a commitment when I started this blog that I would be real. I’ve spent most of my life putting on happy face, saying and doing what I thought everyone expected of me and hiding from what was really real. I’m done with all that. Maybe I’m guilty of oversharing? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I am not giving up. I am not going to go back to that place where I hide my pain and act like everything is okay. One look at me and you know everything is not ok. You don’t get to 330 pounds with everything being okay.
So, this is me. Being transparent. Being vulnerable. Sharing my heart. Sharing my life.
I hope you stick around to share life with me, but if not, I’m still going to be me. Today I choose to let the negativity fuel me rather than rule me. I’ve got something to prove and I’m not going to stop until I do.
I will be back to my regular story-sharing Freedom Friday post next week. I just felt the need to share what this series of posts is all about, should you wish to skip over them. 
If you are a new reader and have no idea what I am talking about, you can catch up on all the posts right here. Thanks for reading and supporting me!
The Chick
I LOVE reading your blog for so many reasons. I pray for you daily. I see so much of me in your post today and it is a struggle for me daily. Keep being true to yourself and God no mater what anyone says. Love and hugs.
Thank you Lori, for the encouragement and the prayers!
I had no idea you received the negativity that you did from last week’s post. I’m sorry! I absolutely love reading your posts, all of them, because you are so real! I LOVE that about you! I too was one who put on a smile and acted like everything was okay when really it wasn’t. It took my divorce and me standing on my own 2 feet again, gaining my independence, for me to realize that I don’t have to live like that and so I choose not to. Now, there are instances where I need to keep my mouth shut out of respect for my elders or because I can’t verbalize it without getting incredibly emotional, voice changes and some times very angry. I’ve learned that some things are better left unsaid, but when it comes to standing up for myself, by golly I’m going to do it. I refuse to be a wallflower and let people walk all over me, I refuse to put on that fake smile just to make others more comfortable. I am human, I have emotions, I get sad, I get mad, I get happy, etc. I am who I am and if people don’t like me, well they don’t need to be around me or be my friend. It is their loss. Personally, I don’t think you over share. You being real about your thoughts, emotions, etc. is what keeps me real. So, thank you and never, ever stop being you! {hugs}
Thank you SO much Amy! I am sorry you had to go through so much pain to get to where you felt you didn’t have to hide anymore, but you are so beautiful for it! I also need to lean the wisdom of knowing when to keep my mouth shut lol! Got any tips for that one???
Lisa I just have to say as a new Christian (only for 3 years) and a person with a life long struggle with my weight (217 pounds), your blog has become a guide for me to grow in Christ. I want to loose weight with Christ as my focus and make this a permanent change. Though our life experiences are very different, the underlying pathologies are the same. Please don’t be nervous to share. Don’t dwell on that ONE negative comment. You mean so much to us! I don’t think you really realize how important you have become in all of our journies!
Thank you so much for commenting Amy-you have no idea how much what you said means to me!
I am right along side you! To often do I let the negitive comments rule what I do! Most of them are from my past, but they still haunt me in my present. I am trying to live for myself and my kids, and to the hills with everyone else, but it is hard. I still feel myself seeking approval. I do things that I know I want to do, but then after they are done, I bother friends and family about my decision. I feel like I need constant reassurance that I have made a good decision. I read your blog every day, and I can tell you it makes a huge difference in my life. I am trying to pick myself out of a self induced pity party, and be positive! Thank you for writing this blog, this is one reader you will never lose!
Oh my Shelly-we must be twins! I am so much the same way, always second-guessing myself. I totally understand that felt need for constant reassurance. It’s like I don’t feel like I can trust myself and I want to know that the decisions I make are what others would do as well. I’m such a people-pleaser. Trying so hard to break that cycle!
Me too! I want everyone to like me, so I try very hard to make people happy. I have very low self esteem, and I find myself constantly trying to change myself to be ” beautiful”, but I am aware of it, which I have heard is the first step. I am just over 30, and I just feel that I have so much beauty inside of me, and I know that God sees it. I love my family ( including my chuch family!) I just guess I need to realize that I will always be beautiful in the eyes of our lord!
Agreed! So hard to remember sometimes. I have the head knowledge but translating that to my heart is the issue!
I first found your blog a few months ago, because of a post you wrote on another blog that I follow. Sorry, I can’t remember which one. The point is that I was shocked you were not a “cookie cutter” blogger, you are real, down to earth, relatable, and go thru real life incidents and events that alot of people go thru. This makes you stand apart in amazing way. I started following you and am happy that I did! No matter what we do in life, what we look like, or who we are, there will always be those who disagree. We as humans, tend to focus on the negative instead of the positive. Please, don’t let the naysayers win. Keep up the inspiring posts. I look forward to getting your updates in my email. Raw emotions, a family that is not perfect- but is perfect for you, a man that is supportive and frustrating (in a good way) because his weight comes of quicker, being catholic and having struggles, a not perfect life- that is all yours. Very nice for all of us who are perfectly imperfect. Oh btw, Thank You for your hard work and dedication. You are an inspiraation.
Aw, Carol, you are so sweet! Thank you so much!
You’re not the only one who will oftentimes focus on that one negative remark, comment, etc. I’ve had to teach myself to ignore it and move on; there will always be at least one person out there that wants to bring me down. I know that it just means that my faith is shining through because the world hated Him first (John 15:18). This is your blog, your journal which you have chosen to make public. You’re writing this for a very important person — YOU — and deserves to be honest and reflect completely who you are and what you believe in. I for one am glad it represents who you are. Your honesty helps me see that I’m not alone in my weight loss journey as well as in my spiritual journey.
I did have that thought Laryssa-that if I was going to be criticized for something I said, I am thankful that is what it was for. If that is the worst persecution I ever receive I really have no place to complain! Thanks for your encouragement!
I’m sorry that someone had to come along and comment like that. While i can understand their point of view (afterall we all come from different paths of life) there was absolutley no reason for them to be rude. Besides as you said this is a blog about your journey, and if you are a Christian then that will show through too.
Your readers are just a long for the ride, the encouragement, and to realize that we really aren’t alone, nor worthless. Keep your chin u & keep being you!
Thank you! And I totally agree-I understand not wanting to read anymore. We each have our own unique tastes and differences and preferences. This blog isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and I am totally okay with that. It was just the way that it was handled that hurt I guess. I just didn’t see it as necessary when it would have been easier to just hit the delete button and unsubscribe. I was tempted to not even allow the comment through, but there again I was afraid of being cowardly (worried about what others would think). I’ve never been one to shy away from confrontation but I am such a people-pleaser and I guess I was just taken aback by it, especially on a post that was so open and vulnerable. I’m always open to constructive criticism and hope that I have a teachable spirit that can take that criticism and use it to become a better person. I welcome people to disagree with me or challenge me, but this just seemed to take it to a whole other level. I am sure I am giving it much more attention than what it deserves. I tend to do that lol.
Oh. my. goodness.
If I choose to follow a blog and the blogger clearly has a philosophy or a style I do not share, I simply stop following. I certainly don’t see the need to point out why.
Now, if it’s a post out of the blue that I find objectionable, I still don’t think I would complain about it — unless it happened with increasing frequency. All that’s necessary then, in my opinion, is a simple statement that the blogger is going in a direction I won’t feel comfortable following.
Keep doing what you’re doing. I find it encouraging.
thanks.
Thanks Julie! Couldn’t have said it better myself! Totally agree with you!
I log into FaceBook on a daily basis and I have come to realize that the people I am LEAST likely to continue to be friends with or relate to, are the ones that claim they have it all together, that life is always sunshine and roses and that they never have a bad day, a bad thought, a bad time, heck even a bad hair day! haha I call “Bull!” on that one and I just can’t hang, if ya know what I am sayin’!
I find it much more believable and relatable when people are “real” and admit that life can be hard-even as a Christian-that no one is free from the ups and downs of life and that sometimes things in life just plain stink! That is real to me!
No, I am not saying that wallowing in self-pity is a good thing to do on a daily basis BUT! having a moment to reflect and say “wow, things are not going how I wanted them to right now” and letting our selves feel the pain and disappointment is OK!!!!
I can relate to you in that I rarely let the positive things sink in…I am more likely to dwell on the negative…which is unfortunate but it’s true! and as we both know we have to learn to see ourselves and love ourselves though our Fathers eyes, not the worlds. BUT! That isn’t always easy!
So please be encouraged that your story is understood by many and we need to hear from each other, to lift each other up, and to help each other know that we are not alone! We are not alone in our “stinking thinking” and that we are “normal” when we have those “I am unloveable” days.
God Bless you and keep up the incredible work that you do for yourself and your family!
Thank you Caron! I love this: “letting our selves feel the pain and disappointment is OK!!!!” This is TOTALLY true and one of the lessons I have been slowly learning. In my effort to avoid FEELING those things I have been EATING those things. Every time I’m angry, sad, lonely, tired, stressed, depressed-I have been stuffing my face instead of facing my stuff. I am finally starting to get past that and live authentically and it’s hard-but I would much rather be where I am than where I was.
I love ” stuffing my face, instead of facing my stuff” that has been my new mantra!!!!
Unfortunately the negative people are usually the loudest (just think of the ones yelling to “crucify him”) but there are so many of us loving you from afar and cheering you on and being amazed by your strength and determination. This just proves that we as Christians do need to be vocal with our support so that the negative comments fade into the back ground.
***I support you! I believe in you! I think you are beautiful! I see Christ in you! I think you are an amazing mom! I think you are real! I know you will succeed!!
You have an identity that comes from so much more than this blog or your weight or even what people say!
I’ll keep reading as long as you keep posting
Kacy
Thank you Kacy! You are too sweet and your encouragement means so much to me.
Thanks for sharing! Your honesty really touched me. I’ve been struggling with being frustrated lately not knowing why. After reading your post, it really helped me to see that I have been really negative on myself a lot lately. I was recently in a very happy place and a series of issues seems to have taken me back to where I started. So thanks for bringing it all back into perspective for me. Now that I know the problem, I can at least pray for some guidance in how to fix it.
marie r
Thank you Marie! I am glad that this post helped you. Knowing what the problem is is always the first step.The tricky part is learning how to fix it. Prayer is always a good place to start! I need to remember that often rather than automatically worrying about something.
As someone who is not particularly devout person myself, I’m not sure what the negative commentator’s issue is.
As you say, it’s not like you were in the closet about your beliefs and suddenly came out in a big sudden surprise. It doesn’t take many posts for the topic to come up regularly. If they find people writing about their faith troubling it’s pretty easy for them to move on.
So life’s too short to spend on haters. I’d file it in the circular file where it belongs.
Thanks J-I really appreciate your perspective as someone who doesn’t share my faith because it helps me to know that I am not doing so in an offensive way or that even though I do share my faith here, I ALSO share other things of value that would encourage those who don’t necessarily share my belief system to still read. I know it’s not all about the number of readers I have or whatever, and I’m not saying that, I just also hope that my blog can appeal to a wide variety of people. And while I am open in my faith, I would never want to be offensive or rude in the way I talked about it. The particular comment in question didn’t say anything like that-just that it was apparently too much. But you are SO right to say life’s too short to waste time dwelling on that negativity. Slowly, but surely, learning that lesson! Thanks for commenting!
“it helps me to know that I am not doing so in an offensive way”
at the end of the day it’s not possible. it’s YOUR blog, you shouldn’t have to worry about it.
I find slimfast/herbalife/other hyper food substitute diet type stuff ridiculous and offensive mostly, so when I find a blog on it, I simply don’t read it anymore or put it on my blogroll. I don’t need to go crazy on it. It’s not like I paid for a subscription or anything and got duped or forced to read it.
I am a relatively new reader and fellow lover of Jesus.
I have been quietly enjoying your blog but still missed the controversy. GOOD for you to keep it movin’! 
And I’m sorry for any hurt it may have caused. I know that even little bumps in the road can leave a lasting bruise. 
You are SO right! I’ve always been pretty sensitive and after I received that hurtful comment I thought maybe I just need to develop thicker skin. But after thinking on it for a while, I realized that God gave me a sensitive spirit for a reason-not to be easily offended, but to easily sympathize and empathize with others. It’s hard not to internalize that negative junk, but I want to keep my heart open so I can receive the positive too! Thanks for commenting!
Honey, you just keep remembering, God loves you if you are 393 pounds, or 93 pounds! To Him you are always beautiful.
Look at the most beautiful woman who lived–Mother Theresa of Calcutta–THAT is real beauty! I weigh 244 pounds, which is about 100 pounds too much, but I know that I am loved, by God, by the members of my church, who don’t care if I am 100 pounds overweight, they see my heart, which is the true beauty of a person. In BlogLand, there are always those who are negative and attacking, and we must feel pity for them, that their lives are so empty that they must find pleasure in attacking others.
KEEP UP THE EXCELLENT WORK–that means more than just your diet itself, but also the sharing of your experiences.
Thank you Ann, you are so sweet and your words are such a blessing!
You are a rock star and you are using your struggles to inspire others. I think that as a Christian you have to include your faith in your journey beacuse it’s a part of who your are, just like including your family. I am encouraged more and more by you each day, thank you for sharing and for not being afraid of who you are. I can sense your empowerment and confidence growing!! You go girl!!