Confession time: I really am afraid of writing these posts. After last week’s negative feedback I feel like maybe they should come with a disclaimer. Yes, I AM, unapologetically and unashamedly (is that even a word?), a Christian.
It does not take a person very long reading my blog to figure it out. It’s on my About page, it’s in my posts, it’s in the introduction to this series where I said unequivocally what these posts were going to be all about.
Still, there is something seriously wrong with me. I think we’ve long since established that fact.
You see, part of the reason why I write these posts is because FOR YEARS I have struggled with believing all the lies that I’ve heard. I’m worthless. I’m a nobody. I’m fat, ugly and stupid. I’m a failure. Yes, I’ve heard all of these and more. I have believed the negative much more readily than I have believed the positive. There have been some positives as well-I’ve just never let those things in through that negative filter.
So, when I am faced with negativity once again I tend to internalize it. I ruminate over it. I vacillate between indignation, sadness and feeling hurt, and questioning what in the world am I doing on this blog? Why am I bothering to share these intensely personal and private things with the “world”? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that or I shouldn’t have done that. Maybe that one little bit of negativity is true and maybe THAT is who I am. I mean, who am I kidding? I am about the most messed up person I know! Who do I think I am thinking that sharing these things is something valuable and important?
I’m a nobody.
And then I read the encouragement. I read about how what I share on this blog helps other people. I hear that I am not alone. I see that for every ounce of negativity that people direct towards me, there is 1o times as much love, support and positivity.
You see, I’m really a very selfish person. I don’t write these posts for you. I write them for me. I write them because they are an absolutely vital part of my journey. I write them because I NEED to write them. I write them because this is who I am.
Along the way, if I write something that strikes a chord with someone, I am so blessed. I am so blessed by those who choose to reach out to me and share their own story with me. I am blessed by those who reach out to me and offer me encouragement and prayers. I am blessed by a community of people who let me know that they support what I am doing and that encourage me to keep going.
THAT is who I am now. I am NOT the lie. The whole point of these posts is to show how I have moved from the person who believed the lies to the person who believes the truth. The whole point of these posts is to be intentionally vulnerable about my journey to physical and mental health and wholeness. Without a doubt, my faith has played a major part in this process.
That’s not to say that I have arrived or that I am completely healed. I mean, HELLO??? I WEIGH 293 POUNDS!!!!!!! Obviously, there is a lot of healing left to do. I’m not a psychologist, a pastor, a dietician or a personal trainer. I have no expertise to be telling anyone how to do this weight-loss thing. All I have to give is me-where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going.
This is who I am and I will NEVER apologize for that. If I lose readers for being myself and sharing my heart then I know I am doing something right. Because what I share here is not pretty. It’s not comfortable. It’s not easy.
It’s hard. It’s ugly. It’s nasty and vicious. It has been killing me for so long.
But it’s also real.
And I made a commitment when I started this blog that I would be real. I’ve spent most of my life putting on happy face, saying and doing what I thought everyone expected of me and hiding from what was really real. I’m done with all that. Maybe I’m guilty of oversharing? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I am not giving up. I am not going to go back to that place where I hide my pain and act like everything is okay. One look at me and you know everything is not ok. You don’t get to 330 pounds with everything being okay.
So, this is me. Being transparent. Being vulnerable. Sharing my heart. Sharing my life.
I hope you stick around to share life with me, but if not, I’m still going to be me. Today I choose to let the negativity fuel me rather than rule me. I’ve got something to prove and I’m not going to stop until I do.
I will be back to my regular story-sharing Freedom Friday post next week. I just felt the need to share what this series of posts is all about, should you wish to skip over them. If you are a new reader and have no idea what I am talking about, you can catch up on all the posts right here. Thanks for reading and supporting me!