May 12, 2012 by The Chick
Hey everyone! As many of you have probably noticed, and some of you have commented on, my blogging schedule has been rather sporadic of late. It’s been a few weeks since I did a weigh-in post and two weeks since I have posted a Freedom Friday post.
You guys know that when you come here you will always get me, 100% honest me. Even when that 100% honestly isn’t pretty. And right now, it’s just not. I have no good reason for not writing weigh-in or Freedom Friday posts other than I am have been crazy busy and have been finding it very hard to be mentally invested in my blog. Indeed, there have been a few times where I have wondered what in the world I was thinking sharing this intensely personal journey with total strangers (and with the friends and family who happen to read).
This blog places me in a very vulnerable place. But, being in that vulnerable place, I realize, is very much intentional on my part. I KNOW, beyond any shadow of doubt, that if I did not have this blog that I would not be making any effort whatsoever towards living a more healthy lifestyle. Call me cynical, I guess.
In reality though, I think it is that I know myself very well. I know that the accountability and support I receive here are vitally important to me continuing this journey. Some people can only do this journey on their own. I know many bloggers who didn’t start blogging about their journey until they had already arrived at their goal. I know if I did that though, I would never get there. I have always been the type of person that needs other people around me-cheering me on, encouraging me, and yes, kicking me in the rear when I need it.
And so, I continue to blog, even when I don’t like opening myself up. Even when I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I haven’t been doing what I should be doing. Especially when I gain weight instead of lose. Oh man, are those posts ever so hard to write.
I know part of it is that I fear failure. I fear your reaction to me when I fail. I fear that you will all see me for exactly what I feel like I am sometimes: a fraud. I’m afraid that being this honest and raw will eventually make you walk away because eventually you will see right through me and realize that I am NEVER going to make it and that you need to be around someone who is more successful and more inspiring.
I know that I have a very difficult time trusting people. I am always second-guessing a person’s motives, always waiting for the other shoe to drop and people to run screaming for the hills. I think part of that is because I have experienced a lot of loss in my life. I am no stranger to people walking away from me. And it is usually the people who are supposed to love me the most.
And so I have come to fear people. I have come to fear people’s intentions. I have come to fear what people really will think of me if they find out the truth.
What’s really real though is that you guys have stuck by me and continued to encourage me and prayed for me and offered advice and suggestions. You haven’t gone anywhere. You have actually acknowledged that you struggle with a lot of the same things that I speak of here.
So even though I know in my head I have an absolutely awesome support network here of people who are so, so fabulous and caring and compassionate, of people who care deeply and love freely and who are vulnerable with me just as I am with them-still, I doubt. Still, I don’t trust.
Don’t get me wrong. I am so thankful for this blog, for the opportunities it has given me to “meet” some amazing people. But for all my promises of authenticity and honesty, oh man, I struggle. I struggle with wanting to walk away from it all. I struggle with feeling this is too hard a journey to let other people in to. I struggle with the vulnerability I feel every time I hit “publish”.
But what I keep coming back to, what keeps me going and what keeps me blogging, is that I know I NEED it. I KNOW I would not be still trying and still working towards my goals in the midst of my current life circumstances if it weren’t for this blog and the people who read it.
Every single other time I have tried to lose weight and life circumstances have gotten in the way, as they inevitably will do, I have given up. Every. Single. Time. I lose sight of my goals. I lose momentum. I turn to food to comfort me and help me get through those hard times. I give up on myself. I reason, “What’s the use? I’ll never make it anyway. It’s too hard. I have too far to go. I’ll never get there.”
And then of course those thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy. They only serve to show me I was right to begin with so why even try? I will never be different, I will never have victory, I can never be better.
This time, though, is different and I can honestly say the only reason for that is this blog. The temptation to give in to my oh-so-intense cravings is SO great right now. There is NO way I would have the strength to stand up under that, considering the stress of what is going on in my life right now, if it were not for this blog.
And so, I’m going to keep on keeping on. I will be posting weigh-in posts. I am going to put Freedom Friday posts on hold until after our move though.
Admittedly, I am really struggling with our current situation. I am having a hard time dealing with all the stress that comes with buying a home. And the fact that we are preparing to move 1100 miles away from the only home we have ever known, to a strange town in a strange state where we are virtual strangers-well, let’s just say it’s taking its toll. After much prayer, I have decided that in order to just give myself a bit of protection, emotionally-speaking, right now, I have to put those posts on hold.
I guess you could call it a self-preservation of sorts. I just need time to focus on the task at hand and the wild ride my family is about to embark on. It’s exciting, but it’s also unnerving and overwhelming. I can’t wait to be with my husband and settled in our new home, but my heart also breaks thinking about all we are leaving behind.
I know so many bloggers who have gone through so many worse things than what we are experiencing right now. I am always amazed at the grace and poise with which they weather life’s storms and still manage to maintain their blogs and their lives with incredible grace and faith.
Yeah. I am not one of those bloggers. I know I let the stresses of life get to me way too much and it is something I am working on for sure. But in the meantime, what you see is what you get. I can’t separate my weight-loss journey, and my blog, from my life. I can’t compartmentalize like that. I can’t write inspiring posts and tell you how great things are going and how much I love life right now and all the wonderful things I am doing for my health when inside all I feel like saying is, “THIS. REALLY. SUCKS.”
I came on here today with the intention of writing a life update post. I was going to share with you what has been happening in our world lately. I was going to share sweet pictures of my kids and wax poetic about how awesome they are (yes, I am one of THOSE mothers who thinks her kids are the most amazing creatures on the planet). Instead, these are the words that fell out of my fingers so I guess this is what needed to be said.
For those of you who have stood by me through all of my craziness and chaos-even though I know it is not any more crazy or chaotic than what anyone else has to deal with-for those of you who have put up with my setbacks and failures and yet still continue to read, for those of you who have reminded me of where I’ve been and where I am going and have encouraged me all along the way, and yes even for those of you who have offered me a kick in the pants when it was necessary, let me just say THANK YOU.
You have NO idea how much your support and encouragement mean to me.You have no idea how much it means that anybody reads this blog to begin with. And you have no idea how much it means to me that you stand by me.
So really, thank you.
You are literally life-savers, game-changers for me. I need this community. I need to know that I am not alone. I hope and pray that you will continue to bear with me as I continue to fall, but also as I continue to get back up again. Because of this blog and because of YOU and because of the grace of God, I WILL get back up again.
And for those of you who just want more cuteness, here ya go! Now YOU can thank ME!