Starting Weight: 330 pounds
Last Weigh-in: 296 pounds
This week’s weigh-in: 320.1 pounds
So, it’s been quite a while since I have posted a weigh-in post. This was not really intentional on my part, as our scale was packed away during the move for a better part of that time, and then I got pregnant, so it didn’t seem as important. But, as I have always said here on my blog, I am nothing if not open, honest and real with you.
Ideally, I like to celebrate my victories with you, sure. I love hearing that I am a source of inspiration for you (as much as I sometimes don’t believe it). Truth be told (it’s “the moment of truth” after all, right?), I love all the wonderful, encouraging comments and thoughts everyone leaves when I have a successful week at this weight-loss thing.
And then there are these times. Times when I am downright embarrassed to admit how far I have fallen. Times when I really don’t want to post those numbers and cringe as the comments roll in, so sure that I will get slammed and criticized for how awful I am doing (rarely happens, because you all are just so great!). Times when I know I really have no justification for the number.
You see, it would be so easy to blame it on the baby. Oh, I’m pregnant, so I have a great excuse, right?
Oh, no. WRONG. So very, very wrong.
The only pregnancy I have ever really gained weight with was my first (I do tend to gain a few pounds of water weight at the very end of my pregnancies). I gained 40 pounds with my daughter. Technically, I only gained 29 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight since I lost 11 in the beginning due to nasty morning sickness. But I did gain those 11 back and then 29 more.
With all three of my sons, I didn’t really start gaining weight at until late in the third trimester. For the most part, that was water weight that was gone within a week or two of the birth.
Actually, I can’t blame any of the weight I have gained over the years on being pregnant, at all. I mean, that’s the ultimate excuse, right? And I know many women who can legitimately claim that pregnancy seriously messed with their bodies and their metabolism and they really struggled to take off those pregnancy pounds. I can’t say that though because with each of my pregnancies I have been back down to pre-pregnancy size within a month of the birth. The combination of round the clock breastfeeding, having big babies to begin with and gaining mostly water weight, means it has been very easy for me to lose that baby weight.
Now, don’t be too jealous. Because what that really means is that all of my weight gain has been of my own devices, and because I lived for years with poor habits and have been eating my emotions away for far too long. I have no medical condition related to my weight, so there is no blame to place there either. No, instead, the blame resides squarely on my shoulders and that is an uncomfortable place to be. I have no excuses.
And the same can be said about this weigh-in. I have no excuses.
I am 17 1/2 weeks pregnant today, and I can assure you that I have NOT gained 24 pounds in the last 17 weeks. Truth be told, I ballooned back up to 316 before I even got pregnant. I have gained 4 pounds in 17 weeks, for an average gain of .22 pounds per week, which even for an obese person such as myself, is a very healthy weight-gain for this stage of the game in pregnancy.
Here’s what has happened here: I have always been better at taking care of my kids than I have been at taking care of myself. Which makes complete and total sense if you think about it. I don’t hate my kids like I hate myself (work in pregress, remember?). I don’t think they are unworthy of care, like I have often thought of myself. I try very hard to make food a neutral thing for them so they don’t end up with my emotional attachment to food.
That has always translated to pregnancy. When I am pregnant, 95% of the time, my diet is near perfect. I am hyper-vigilant when pregnant about making sure I am fueling my body with whole, healthy foods and not eating crap. And surprise of all surprises, most of my weight-gain in pregnancy is the baby and water and it just falls right off, with very little effort on my part, after the baby is born. Very little processed food every touches these lips while pregnant. I eat a very high protein diet, focus on healthy fats, eat LOTS of veggies and plenty of fruits and drink tons of water, and I limit sugar as much as possible.
That, of course, is not something I can say I regularly did outside of pregnancy-at least before I started this journey. Sugar was like my best friend-so trustworthy, always there for me, always provided what I “needed” right when I needed it. Sugar never abandoned me. I could trust sugar. (We’ve already established I have issues, right?)
So what happened with those other 20 pounds? I will tell you what happened. Stuff happened. I reverted to my old eating habits. I found comfort in food in the middle of one of the most stressful times I have experienced in my adult life. I readily admit I had a very hard time adjusting to the idea that we were moving halfway across the country, to a place where we virtually knew no one. The idea of leaving everyone we loved behind still puts me in tears if I dwell on it too long. Not to mention, the stress of packing up and entire house by myself and taking care of all the tiny, little details involved in the move-this was one stressed out mama.
Ask anyone who knows me in real life, I am the type of person who can handle big, crazy, big picture kind of news really, really well. But when it comes down to nitty, gritty details, day in, day out stressors that disrupt my routine-I am like a monster. I physically cannot handle the stress. For the first time in my life, I started having panic attacks. I was a crying mess half the time. It was not pretty. In fact, it was downright ugly.
And then we got here. And then came the stress of living for a week in a hotel and eating out for every meal because none of our stuff was here yet (huge kudos to Allied Moving Co, though, who paid for all that since they arrived later than their guaranteed time). Eating out for three meals a day is not exactly conducive to maintaining a quality diet. Of course, I was pregnant by this time and going through some nasty morning sickness, so all the weight gain came in the weeks leading up to the move.
Reading all of that, it sounds an awful lot like I am making excuses doesn’t it? But I’m not. What I am trying to say is that this is a sad, sad situation for me. The stress of our move made it glaringly obvious that I haven’t conquered my demons at all. No, they are alive and well. Still, when faced with intense stress, I broke down and turned to food for comfort. I continued in bad habits, knowing full well that I was destroying all of the hard work that I had done. I made choices that were counter-productive and nearly un-did everything I had already done.
So what do I do with this information, now that I have put a halt to the insanely rapid weight-gain? The way I see it, I have two choices. I can beat myself over the head with it. I can make myself feel like crap for it and tell myself how hopeless I am and how I should just give up because I am never going to succeed anyway. And I can follow those thought patterns up by sulking in the corner with a plate of brownies.
You know what, though? As ashamed and embarrassed as I am to admit this all to you, I know I’ve tried that unproductive attitude before. And surprisingly enough, it hasn’t worked out so great for me. Instead, when I think like that and backslide a little, or a lot, and berate myself for it, I just sink further into that hole. How sad.
My second choice is to recognize and admit my failure. Apparently I am a glutton for punishment for admitting it in a very public way. The reason I do that though, is to hold myself accountable. When I know I have people watching me I am much more motivated to do my best and succeed at this thing, than if I were doing it on my own. I also know after over a year of blogging about this stuff is that there are a TON of people out there just like me who have those exact same thought processes and who have given up on themselves too. I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be that way.
Once I recognize and admit my failure, I have to ask myself what I am going to do about it. Being pregnant makes the choice obvious to me. I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on and get right back into those healthy habits that I have worked so hard to establish. For me, it’s super easy to do because I know someone else is depending on me to do so.
If I wasn’t pregnant though? Who knows if I would even be writing this post and sharing these things with you. I imagine I would still be stuck feeling sorry for myself and my situation and wallowing in that with my best friend. You know…sugar. And I would be so ashamed at what I was doing that it’s possible I would just give up on this blog completely.
Nothing about our situation has really changed. I am still stressed. I am still terribly homesick. I am still testing the waters here and learning the area and trying to find a new church and make new friends and find good relationships for my kids and get my house in order and find new doctors (nearly halfway through my pregnancy and I have had two failed attempts and just found a new doctor on Monday). Deep breath. The only thing different about the stress I had before and during the move and the stress I have now, is that now I am pregnant. I have another little person depending on me to keep it together.
Pregnancy puts everything in a whole new perspective for me. If I am willing to do it for my child, then why not for myself? My children are really extensions of me and if they need anything, it’s a healthy and whole mother. It’s not enough to just take really good care of them and feed them good food and teach them good habits and be sure they stay active and healthy. No, they NEED me to do the same for myself too.
Really, at the very heart of it all, my bad habits and self-pity are very, very selfish. While it may sound selfish to say I need to do this for myself, it’s really one of the most unselfish things to do. I need to focus on myself and my own health so I can be here for a long time for them. As much as it may make me feel like a good mom sometimes to neglect myself and give everything I have to my children, the truth of the matter is that it makes me very, very selfish. I need a little short-term “selfishness” in the form of reserving time and energy to work on my issues, so that in the long-run I can live selflessly and truly give my kids the greatest gift-a healthy mom who is there for them and active with them for a good, long while. My family NEEDS me to be selfish. I am so very thankful for this pregnancy that has given me a renewed sense of purpose and hope for weight-loss journey. Now you all remind me of this once the baby comes, okay?
That’s the truth.
Did you weigh-in this week? How is your healthy living journey going?
Are you like I am, and often feel like giving up on yourself? What have you done to move past that and focus some time and attention on taking care of you?
The Chick
Hi Lisa- It is so glad to hear from you. I am constantly amazed by your brutal honesty in your posts. Although you feel as though you are not doing as well as you could, I think you are doing great. Look at it this way, you have created some great habits which will stick with you and your children for life. We all slide backwards and the difference between success and failure is refusing to give up.
Thank you so much for showing me and others that we are not alone in our struggles. FYI- I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my life right now and I refuse to give up. Because of thispost, I gained the courage to put that in writing.
Thank you Diana-you are always SO encouraging! So proud of you (and I love to get your posts in my inbox too!)
Sounds much like the story of my life. I also was fat before 3 babies and never really gained much weight with any of them. Moved from PA to FL last year and gained another 30 lbs. I lose 20…gain 30…lose 20 gain 30 I have finally made the decision to have gastric bypass, as much as I hate to admitt that I can’t do something myself I just can’t.
Aw, Lela, I am sure that was not an easy decision to come to. I have thought about it many, many times. Many people see it as an “easy way out” but the truth is that some of us need the extra help that surgery can provide and from everything I can tell you still have to work just as hard to lose the weight and keep it off. I wish you success! Be sure to come back and let me know how it is going.
I am always a little stunned with how honest you are with yourself, and all of us as well. It’s no easy thing to eat well in the midst of struggles. I am 30 weeks pregnant and I had a really stressful morning the other day so I gorged on taco bell food. I know it’s not good for me, but those carbs and diet soda lifted my mood like a drug. It was amazing! I went from tears to laughter in a matter of 1/2 an hour. I confess to that to say that we all fall short. We are not perfect and we can’t do it in our own strength. Thankfully we have God to lean on. I have gained 25 pounds so far in this pregnancy and I could potentially gain a lot more. I love reading your blog. You can do it Lisa! You can in His strength not eat your feelings. We can both, in His strength NOT eat our feelings! You are a great Mom, be good to yourself too.
Congratulations on your pregnancy Heather! You’re almost there! And that food being just like a drug-I know that feeling all too well. But you are so right and what a great perspective-to focus on God, recognizing that this isn’t something we are going to do on our own-we need Him and in Him we can claim victory over these issues! Doesn’t mean it won’t be a hard road-but good to know we aren’t left alone.
Thank you for your uplifting and honest post. Losing weight is not a battle that you win or lose; it’s a continuous climb uphill and sometimes, we lose our footing and slide back down that hill, sometimes all the way back to the base, sometimes over and over again! Realize that your love of sugar is an addiction and addictive behavior is hard to break – there’s a reason why most smokers have to “quit” 4-6 times before they actually really quit! Understand, I am in that boat with ya so let’s all take a breath and give ourselves some grace and try again tomorrow. Keep your chin up and your spirits high; you are beautiful as is that life within you!
Oh, definitely a sugar addict over here! Trying so hard to break it. I love this, “Losing weight is not a battle that you win or lose”-so true! Thank so much for commenting.
Hi, sweetheart. You are NOT a failure…you are an amazing woman who knows what she wants and works hard to get it. I wish I had a 10th of your self-control. As you know, I am self-destructive and tell myself I am only doing what is best for my family. I have learned the hard way that doesn’t work. I have lost everything and I love my children no less than you love yours. I am not a good friend to myself and unfortunately, I made many mistakes because of it. You are so smart and so brave. Please do not judge yourself. Just be who you are and let God do the rest. I love you.
You are definitely not a failure. You fall off the wagon, you get up and get back on. You can do it! Don’t obsess over the number. Work on doing what you know is right (easier said than done, I know).
I’m 32 weeks pregnant and this gaining weight stuff is fah-reaking me out. I had gastric bypass almost two and half years ago so gaining weight is terrifying.
I eat the same things, track my calories, but one month I gain 1 pound…the next month, I gain 10. Add the pregnancy cravings and general hormonal craziness and I’m a mess. Nevermind the fact that all I want to eat are cookies.
My ob/gyn finally told my husband to take away my scale. She’s concerned I may be heading for an eating disorder. Be mindful of the number on the scale, but don’t let it rule your life. As soon as we ALL master that we’ll be better off.
Oh goodness Erin-I can understand how that could be scary. Is this your first pregnancy? If so, I am willing to bet you find that the pregnancy weight falls off a lot easier than what you have experienced thus far. And breastfeeding, if you are planning to do that, can really work wonders for post-partum weight loss. I hope these last couple of months fly by for you and everything stays healthy!
Without going into a long history, I can just say, “Amen!” The quote that is taped above my computer and engraven in my heart is by Corrie ten Boom: “Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for a future that only He can see.” Having worked VERY hard to lose 85 pounds and “try” to put my needs equal to those of my children, I have learned, every day is a new one… one to make new choices and begin anew. When we decided to have our 8th child I was quite honestly terrified, not of a sweet baby but of regressing. I didn’t trust myself and I still don’t. But I do trust God. I trust that He will sustain me and will prepare the experiences and future I need to learn and grow. I trust that He knows better than I what I need and what I am capable of becoming. Some of that growth has come with the process of losing weight and becoming healthy and part of that will happen regardless of the number on the scale. One minute, one hour and one day at a time.
Thank you for sharing your process. There is no failure if there is gained experience and wisdom.
Wow, Alisha, thanks so much for sharing. I can certainly understand your fear after having worked so hard. Everything you said really hit home-so, so true and such a beautiful perspective. I have a hard time staying focused on those things that I know to be true and right. I just love, love, love what you said here.
It is so so hard to move
My wife and I moved about an hour and a half drive away and it sucks. All my wife’s family (and my friends) lived where we used to live. We go visit every weekend but it is still hard. I don’t think I could move very much farther away like you have, you are strong!
What is it that Dr. Phil says (yes I’m a dork who watches Dr. Phil) “If you truly love your children, and I know you do, then you will take care of their mother.” Your kids need you to be healthy and live a long time for them, and by getting yourself healthy it is what you are doing!!
You are so fortunate to be able to go back and visit! I think our visits will probably be limited to once a year, maybe twice if we are lucky. It’s super hard and expensive to travel all that way with a big family. Thankfully we now live in a state that everyone loves to visit, so hopefully we will see our friends and family a bit more often than had we moved someplace else. Also, my parents are now about 3 hours away, so that’s nice to be so much closer to them.
I have approximately 0.32 seconds to post so I just wanted to say that I think you are awesome for owning all that, continuing to put one foot in front of the other (in the right direction!) and I am still cheering you on!
Thanks Wendy! Miss you lady!
Thanks for sharing that. I’m still trying to lose the “baby weight”. My daughter is 13.
It’s tough to admit that the problem is me. Says the girl with an empty bag of Crispy Minis on the floor beside my bed who just had a bacon sandwich. 
Stopping by from SITS.
LOL! Oh man, I feel you!